Having regrets post breakup doesn’t necessarily mean that you should get back together with your ex. We’re wired to feel bad when we experience the loss of a relationship, even if we’re the one who initiated the breakup. Longing, sadness, and grief are all exquisitely wired into our emotional instincts, and they can help us lean into doing the work of growth as a person. That’s good news! Regret is part of grieving, and as I like to say, breakdown often means breakthrough.

How to recognize if you have regrets
Short answer: We ruminate.

Longer answer: We tend to think about loss in the same way we ruminate about new relationships.

On the upside of new love, we think about that person all the time—and those thought loops can be very exciting and pleasurable. But even under the influence of new love, our inner dialogue can reverberate with concerns, fears, and worries about perceived threats to the relationship. We are creatures of attachment, and loss looms large for us.

When we break up, it’s not unusual to experience a similar kind of rumination, in particular when we aren’t feeling complete and there’s more work yet to be done. It’s normal, in other words, to regret breaking up—even if you’re the one who did the dumping. Relationship healing, as it turns out, is an inside job that needs to happen even if the particular relationship doesn’t continue.

How to handle breakup regrets

1. Get curious.
   Ask yourself these questions: Was breaking up an in-the-moment decision? Or was it brewing for a longer time? Is life better after the breakup? Worse? Unchanged? Was the relationship not working because the partner was not treating you properly?

Don’t be afraid to get feedback from people who know you well. How did they see you reflected in the relationship?

2. Take a relationship inventory.
   If you’re still searching for clarity, look back. Were there any signs or symptoms of an unhealthy relationship? Without assigning blame, see what dynamics led to your relationship dissatisfaction and influenced your decision to leave. Were you or your partner judgmental? Did you not give each other the benefit of the doubt? Did you not appropriately take a stand for what you needed in the relationship? Did you tend to make your partner wrong when most of what couples fight about is simply a matter of opinion? Take full responsibility for your part of the dance.

As I tell couples in counseling, we each have 100% responsibility for what shows up in a relationship. That’s great news, since that means we can change things for ourselves going forward.

3. Don’t beat yourself up.
   It’s perfectly natural to have regrets even if you know the breakup is the best thing for you. Recognize that what you’re feeling is normal and doesn’t necessarily mean you made the wrong decision. Don’t beat yourself up.

This is a good time to practice radical acceptance. The ability to tolerate our feelings, even the painful ones, is a sign of emotional health and a necessary skill for good relationships.

4. Get analytical.
   In general, are you an anxious person who tends to self-doubt? And if so, is the issue really regret about the loss of the relationship or simply concerns about your own decision-making?

Or, if you’re being completely honest, do you see a pattern repeating across your relationships? Do you tend to make decisions from insecurities or fears? If so, take time to explore your attachment style as well as the particular way you view your own needs and anticipate how willing other people will be to help you meet them. To dive even deeper, read my book Why Good Sex Matters to help you better understand and operate your own attachment wiring.

5. Use this energy to develop yourself.
   Have a look at some of these relationship skills that people who do relationships effectively practice. The good news is that these skills can be learned. Each relationship holds an opportunity to learn more about yourself and how to partner with another.
6. Break it down and break through.
   Through understanding aspects of your own relational road map, you can become a more complete person going forward. One tool is to think about how we, as a culture, view what we expect of ourselves and each other. Regardless of your gender or sexual orientation, there are power struggles that go on in our relationships that are heavily influenced by old, outdated notions of gender roles and expectations that drive conflict. So for example, if you tend to think it’s your job to be nurturing (typically feminine role), and you aren’t nurturing yourself, you’ll probably develop resentment. Likewise, if your partner thinks it’s your job to do most of the heavy lifting to provide for your family (typically masculine role) and you don’t, they’ll probably resent you.

If you tend to be impulsive and rush into action without contemplation, you might be too quick to end a relationship and move on. Hence regrets. One aspect of our relational selves that could be better developed in us all is the “passive” role or the ability to observe ourselves and each other with curiosity and insight, without rushing into action or reaction.

The bottom line is that the more conscious and more flexible we are about what we expect of ourselves and each other, the better relationships will flow.

7. Get closure.
   Now that you have a better handle on what led to the breakup, think about organizing a conversation with your ex to explore what needs to be done in order for you to walk away feeling more complete with the relationship. See if you can find a way to let go with love.

If that’s not possible to do in person, you can get more closure with the partner by writing down your thoughts and feelings, incorporating what you’ve learned. You can send the letter (or not). The most important thing is getting clear on your own growth through this experience so that you are one step closer to creating lasting love.

People are pursuing marriage in more ways than ever before. With developments in technology and communication, dating is changing as well. The goals and principles for dating remain the same, but sometimes the players are farther part, meeting each other through websites, like eHarmony, or social media, like Facebook, or just through long-distance networks of friends.

My wife and I dated long distance for two years — 1,906 miles and two time zones apart.

Any dating couple — whether they’re next-door neighbors or international heartthrobs — should pursue clarity and postpone intimacy. The great prize in marriage is Christ-centered intimacy; the great prize in dating is Christ-centered clarity. We all do well to make decisions in dating with that reality in mind. However, since long-distance relationships bring special challenges, they require special wisdom.

Long-Distance Dating Is the Worst

If you have friends that have dated long distance, you have friends who have complained about dating long distance. In long-distance dating, you will not have the regular, everyday time together that same-city relationships will — fewer nights out, fewer errand trips, less time together with mutual friends, fewer shared experiences that feel like normal life. It’s hard because you want to be with this person, but it also makes discernment especially difficult.

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Long-distance will not feel as real as same-city dating. You’re connecting in the cracks of life, often debriefing after all the action of the day is done. You’re trying to make the headlines — exciting and discouraging — feel real for your boyfriend or girlfriend, but as much as they care about you, they aren’t there.

How can you develop clarity about doing everyday life with them for the rest of your days if you never get to taste everyday life with them now in dating? The partial integration of a boyfriend or girlfriend into your life is undeniably helpful for imagining what the complete integration might be like.

Long-Distance Dating Is the Best

That being said, I wish everyone could date long-distance. I’m not in any way taking a stand against same-city unions, but I am commending long-distance dating whenever God connects the dots, especially in our day. The costs were real and felt for us, but the benefits, especially for Christians, are as real and lasting.

If you have friends that have done same-city dating, you likely have friends who have wrestled against sexual impurity. It may not be every couple’s battle, but anyone in premarital counseling will say it’s extremely prevalent. Long-distance dating doesn’t eliminate temptation in this area (presumably you’re spending at least a few weekends in the same town), but it limits it tremendously.

A lot of energy in same-city attractions is expended in the daily fight to restrain the impulses toward sexual intimacy (sex is, after all, the right culmination of all Christian dating when the dating ends in marriage). That fight is much more focused and occasional when the relationship is long-distance. In a day and age in which sexual immorality is excused, celebrated, and even legislated, these benefits could not be sweeter.

Another great blessing in long-distance dating is lots and lots of forced communication. In these relationships, spending time “together” typically means talking to each other on the phone. It removes the need to dress up and impress one another. It eliminates nights and nights of just watching television or movies. You actually talk — and talk and talk.

If clarity is your shared aim in dating, and if healthy communication is a priority for your marriage (and it should be), then there’s nothing better for you to do together than just talk.

Long-Distance Tips

From my experience, then, and from talking with several others who’ve recently dated long distance, here are three pieces of counsel for those pursuing clarity toward marriage from far away.

1. Be more skeptical of your feelings.

Long-distance dating is easier in some ways (less intrusive, and often less demanding in the day-to-day). That shouldn’t make Christians relax in dating, though, because there’s just as much at stake. Ironically, we may need to be more intentional and vigilant. In pursuing a marriage between sinners, be wary of anything that comes too easily.

“The fight for sexual purity is much more focused and occasional when the relationship is long distance.”TweetShare on Facebook

You probably will learn more facts about one another than you would have if you were living in the same city, because you’ll talk more. It’s also easier to hide, though, in long-distance dating. In a same-city relationship, you would likely see things about one another that you might not readily admit over the phone. If you get married, you’ll realize you didn’t know each other as well as you thought.

My advice: Be slower to declare clarity about the future in a long-distance relationship. The hurdles should keep us from hurrying to a decision to marry. Be skeptical of the romantic euphoria you feel after a month of late-night talks or your first couple of weekends together. Give yourself more time to get to know each other. Plan for trips to spend time with people in each other’s lives. Be honest about the limitations of technology alone — as great as technology can be for dating — in developing a relationship and discerning each other’s readiness to wed.

2. Work harder to get to know each other’s friends.

Community is absolutely, undeniably critical in Christian dating (or any other calling in life). Just as in every other area of your Christian life, you need the body of Christ as you think about whom to date, how to date, and when to wed. If you’re deciding how to serve, where to work, or whom to marry without Christian brothers and sisters helping you make those decisions, you’re doing so foolishly (Hebrews 3:12–13; Proverbs 3:5). An essential part of God’s means for confirming the desires of our hearts — for confirming what the Spirit is doing in us and in our relationships — is the church, the community of believers in our lives.

Long-distance dating really complicates this dynamic in dating. People are already reluctant to go out of their way to include other people in their love life, even in a same-city relationship. It’s inconvenient, but it’s also crucial. And it’s much more challenging when your networks of friends are miles and miles away.

Be creative, and “date” a few people in each other’s lives, too — not necessarily one-on-one, but work to get to know them, and to be known by them. Someone who loves you and Jesus should know you both (individually and as a couple) well enough to agree with you that you should get married. Prioritize and initiate this in your long-distance dating.

3. Don’t think you don’t need boundaries.

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Boundaries are important in any not-yet-married relationship, because God loves you and wants what’s best for you. He did not create you to recklessly give away your heart without a covenant. While spontaneous plunges into intimacy look great in chick flicks and feel great in the moment, they breed shame, regret, distrust, and emptiness. Boundaries are necessary because on the road to marriage and its consummation, the appetite for intimacy only grows as you feed it.

Distance does not remove sexual temptation. In fact, for many, the temptation will be much stronger when you are together. We foolishly try to make up for lost time physically, as if we owe each other something. Anticipate that, and talk before the trip about how you’ll avoid temptation and confront it when it comes. Also, beware of trying to experiment with sexual intimacy together through technology. Pictures and words can be just as dangerous to our hearts as touching.

Boundaries, though, are not just for guarding against sexual immorality. Boundaries build trust. When we set clear standards and expectations in dating, and then fulfill those standards and expectations, we say we will do the same in marriage. That’s true in sexual purity and in a hundred other ways.

Other questions to ask ourselves about boundaries include:

• How often is it healthy to talk?
• How long is it healthy to talk each night?
• What kinds of conversations should we have at each stage of the relationship?
• When is it loving to say, “I love you”?
• When is it safe to talk about marriage? How will we guard each other when talking about marriage?
• How often should we visit each other?
• How will we protect our purity during those short and often more romantic days together?

By getting out ahead of these questions and others, you will sacrifice some of the adrenaline of spontaneity, but you’ll also protect one another in dating, and you’ll cultivate the treasure of trust.

With patience, you’ll preserve and multiply your pleasures in marriage. Spontaneity is one important flavor in dating and in marriage, but marriage is fueled by faithfulness and reliability, not surprise. Agree on some real, objective boundaries, even if they feel arbitrary at first, and follow through together.

As I unpacked some of the couple’s history, I discovered he hadn’t sabotaged them on their honeymoon, nor in the early months of figuring out married life. The Devil had begun his work before they’d even made it to the altar. Though Tim and Jess are Christians, their dating and engagement were marked with sexual impurity.

Though the early days of their relationship had been fine, over time they made consistent compromises that developed into a deeper pattern of sexual sin. Whenever they’d sin, they’d confess to each other and make oaths to never let it happen again. But it did. Because of the shame, they never let anyone else in on what was happening. In hindsight, Tim and Jess admit their courtship was a big cover-up of deceit. Sadly, Tim and Jess’s story is all too familiar.

Many unmarried Christian couples struggle with sexual sin. This should be no surprise, since we have an enemy set against us and our impending marriage (1 Pet. 5:8). He hates God, and he hates marriage because it depicts the gospel (Eph. 5:32).

One of Satan’s most effective strategies to corrupt the gospel-portraying union of marriage is to attack couples through sexual sin before they say “I do.” Here are four of his most common ploys to attack marriages before they begin.

1. Satan wants us to make a pattern of obeying our desires instead of God’s direction.

God’s ways are good, but Satan wants us to believe they aren’t. This has been his plan from the first call to compromise in the garden (Gen. 3:1-6). His end goal is for us to develop a consistent pattern of resisting the Spirit and following our sinful desires once we get into marriage. He wants us to learn to resist service and to pursue selfishness. If we learn to do what we want when we want before marriage, we’ll carry that pattern into the days and years that follow.

This, however, is deadly since service and sacrifice are essential to a healthy, Christ-honoring marriage. Love in marriage is shown by a thousand daily decisions to do what you don’t want—whether doing the dishes or changing a diaper or watching a movie instead of a basketball game.

If your relationship before marriage is characterized by giving into urges of immediate desire, you’ll most certainly struggle when you encounter the nitty-gritty of married life.

2. Satan wants us to underestimate how susceptible we are to temptation.

Satan wants us to think we won’t take our sin to the next level. He wants us to think we’re stronger than we really are. He wants us to think we’ll never go that far. This is a powerful trick since it simultaneously plays on both our pride and also our well-intended desire to honor God. You’re weaker than you think. You can go where you think you won’t. Sin is like an undercurrent in the ocean—if you play in it, you’ll be overpowered and swept away into certain destruction.

One of the ways Satan works this angle is by tempting you to think purity is a not-to-be-crossed line rather than a posture of the heart. He wants you to think purity before God is not kissing or not taking off clothes or not having oral sex or not “going all the way.” He wants you to think that if you don’t cross a certain line, you’re staying pure.

The problem with this kind of thinking, however, is that Jesus says if we just lust in our heart we’ve sinned and stand condemned before God (Matt. 5:27-30). Purity is much more about the posture of our hearts than the position of our bodies. The age-old “How far is too far?” question may reveal a desire to get as close to sin as possible instead of a desire to flee as our Lord calls us to (1 Cor. 6:18).

3. Satan wants couples to weaken their trust in one another.

When we compromise sexually, we’re showing the other person we’re willing to use and abuse them to get what makes us happy. Every time we push the boundaries with our fiancée or lead her into sin we are communicating, though we don’t mean to, “You can’t trust me because I’m willing to use and disregard you to get what I want.” This is certainly one of Satan’s deadliest strategies, and the one I suspect hurt Tim and Jess the most. They didn’t trust each other. They never really did. So much of their dating relationship was engulfed in the cycle of sin, shame, and start-over that they never developed a mature, battle-tested trust for each other.

It’s important to point out, however, that when we resist sexual sin, God blesses a relationship with the exact opposite effect. Every time we say “no” to sexual sin and turn to prayer, telling one another we value them and their walk with the Lord too much to go one step further, he uses that faithfulness to strengthen trust.

My wife regularly tells dating couples that one of the reasons she trusts me is because I literally ran from compromising situations before we were married. We weren’t perfect in our courtship, but the Lord used that season to build trust in one another.

4. Satan wants to deceive you with the forbidden fruit of lust.

There’s a world of difference between premarital sex and sex within marriage. One reason is that the forbidden fruit of lust portrays sex before marriage as something it isn’t always in marriage. Normally, premarital sexual activity is like gas on fire. Passion is high, feelings are intense, and the drive to go further is fueled by the knowledge you shouldn’t (Rom. 7:8).

Sex in marriage is different. There’s still passion, and there’s still intense feelings and emotions—but sex in marriage is based primarily on the hot coals of trust, devotion, and sacrifice (1 Cor. 7:1-5). Couples who built their sexual expectations on passion provided by the forbidden fruit are often disappointed and confused when sex is different in marriage.

My wife and I laughed at this idea when our premarital counselor shared it with us. We were sure we’d be exception to the rule. But almost six years and three kids later, he was right. Couples like us can have a strong sex life, but it’s fueled by deeper characteristics than fleeting passion.

Satan wants couples to get used to running on the caffeine and sugar of lust rather than mature love of service and sacrifice.

Few Concluding Thoughts

1. Wait in faith. 

The Christian posture is always one of waiting. We wait for Christ’s return. We wait for an eternity with him. And unmarried believers wait for the blessings of marriage. Say “no” to sin’s promises by faith in God’s. Renew your mind with God’s Word and keep waiting in faith.

2. Guys, you gotta lead. 

While both persons in the relationship are responsible before God, the man must set the pace for purity. Too often ladies are forced to draw the lines and to say “no.” That’s cowardly and wrong. It’s the man’s responsibility to care for his future wife by leading her toward Jesus and away from sin, darkness, and the pain of evil. If he sets the wrong pattern here, he’ll be digging out for years afterward—and may never regain the ground he loses apart from God’s grace.

3. Involve others every step of the way.

Don’t let your relationship remain unexamined by other godly Christians. Both of you should have a godly couple or group of faithful friends who hold you accountable. Invite tough questions and give honest answers. God uses transparency to give strength.

4. If you sin, go to the gospel. 

The apostle John wrote, “My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have one who speaks to the Father in our defense—Jesus Christ, the Righteous One” (1 John 2:1-2). If you sin, flee to the cross. Run to the empty tomb. Look to your Advocate, confess your sin deeply, and repent. God loves to bless this kind of posture (Prov. 28:13). Sexual sin doesn’t need to be dagger in the heart of your courting relationship, engagement, or marriage.

God is a merciful God who delights in restoring what sin seeks to destroy (Joel 2:25-27). He will not, however, bless ongoing disobedience and presumption on his grace. If you have fallen into sexual sin, today is the day to plead for mercy and turn to Christ in faith. May God give us mercy to pursue purity for his glory and our good.

She lamented that once you connect with someone, they usually just want a short-term physical relationship — nothing long-term or committed.

I grieve for those who find themselves grasping for relational intimacy through means like this. If you’re single and desiring to be married, you will find that taking the Bible seriously will prove to be the best dating guide in the long run, rather than the superficial criteria the world urges us to focus on.

In particular, Proverbs 31 offers some clarity about what trajectories of life to look for in a spouse. The description here looks back across many faithful seasons in the life of a virtuous woman, but we can also think of many of these characteristics in terms of what a woman should be looking for in the life-direction of a man.

1. Does this person follow through on his word?

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Verse 11: “The heart of her husband trusts in her.” He is never worried about her faithfulness to him. He never has to wonder if she is using their money in dishonest or foolish ways.

As you are getting to know someone who would be a potential spouse, consider if the person is honest and trustworthy. Does he have a track record of following through on his word?

2. Does this person make you stronger?

Verse 12: “She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.” Verse 23: “Her husband is known in the gates when he sits among the elders of the land.” It seems odd that right in the middle of this passage about the woman who fears the Lord, there’s a verse about the husband. But it makes a point about the woman’s commitment to her husband. Her work at home and service to her husband benefits his reputation and success. He is a better man because he is married to her.

Look for a person to marry who is going to encourage you and work alongside you in a complementary manner. A married couple should be stronger together than they would be apart.

3. Is this person hard-working?

Verses 13–16:

She seeks wool and flax, and works with willing hands. She is like the ships of the merchant; she brings her food from afar. She rises while it is yet night and provides food for her . . . maidens. She considers a field and buys it; with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.

Look for someone who is disciplined and diligent, who has goals and works toward them, who starts projects and finishes them.

4. Is this person generous and hospitable?

Verse 20: “She opens her hand to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy.”

This woman looks to the needs of her family, but she also looks to other needs around her. She is generous and hospitable and helpful.

5. Is this person wise and eager to help others?

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Verse 26: “She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.” She looks for ways to help others — both in practical, tangible ways, and also in emotional and spiritual ways. She is a sage, and others will seek out her wise counsel and benefit from it.

You want to marry a person like that — someone who is not consumed with his own selfish activities and entertainments, but delights to help others and has the wisdom to be truly helpful.

6. Does this person truly trust Jesus?

She is not overcome by worry, because she is trusting in her Lord. Verse 25: “She laughs at the time to come.” This woman fears God, and out of such healthy fear flows wisdom and kindness and hard work. The virtuous, godly woman will trust in God and in his providential plans for her. Therefore, she won’t be consumed with fretting over the details of the future.

This question gets at the core characteristic to look for in a spouse: Does this person fear the Lord? Is this person a believer? Don’t compromise on this point. Don’t become “unequally yoked” with someone who doesn’t share your most fundamental identity in life (2 Corinthians 6:14). Christ must be the foundation of the relationship, with both of you looking to him, trusting in him, and laughing together at the days to come.

Don’t Settle

Dream and pray and seek counsel about the characteristics you should be looking for in a potential spouse, and then resolve not to settle for less. Don’t let your dating search be driven by appearances. “Like a gold ring in a pig’s snout is a beautiful woman without discretion” (Proverbs 11:22).

The world’s way of dating is a path of folly and pain. Search for a person with biblical discretion, a characteristic that is rare and rewarding. As you rest in God’s plan, in his timing, pray for a spouse who is trustworthy, helpful, hard-working, compassionate, wise, and trusts Jesus.

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And one more thing: Don’t go at this alone. Don’t presume that you, on your own, have a sufficient amount of discernment to evaluate a potential spouse. If you’re in a dating relationship, introduce this person to as many friends of yours as possible, especially your church family. Ask for what they honestly think, and see what yellow flags they raise. That is what humility looks like in a dating relationship — inviting the counsel of others and not believing the lie that you know better than everyone else.

Let the wisdom of Scripture guide your dating decisions, not superficiality.

Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. (Proverbs 31:30)

Then I remembered a familiar line, “God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in him.” Even though I heard it time and time again, it’s meaning had never really been real to me. As the words of John Piper began to echo through the walls of my heart, I began to weep like I have never wept before. As tears of joy streamed down my face, I had truly tasted what it meant to be satisfied in Christ more than sex.

The Pursuit of Happiness

Growing up I was girl-crazy. While all my friends would run away from girls and their “cooties” on the playground, I would write love letters to girls and leave it on their desks. What was innocent at first, though, quickly became sin when I was introduced to pornography at a very young age. Those pictures and scenes stirred desires in me that caused me to pursue girls for the sake of lust, not love.

When I got to college I went through a cycle of failed relationship after failed relationship, as I would selfishly use young women as tools to meet my selfish needs. “I am young,” I would say to myself. “I am doing what is making me happy.” I had been raised in a culture that thought the chief end of man was to glorify self by enjoying sex and pleasure, so it would only make sense that I would spend years stuck in the cul-de-sac of romantic failure and promiscuity.

But in the back of my mind I always knew what I was doing was wrong. Even though I didn’t know who God was or what his word said about sex, I knew my decisions were ravaging my soul. It was as if I was dying without water in the Sahara Desert and drinking poison to try and satisfy my thirst. My pursuit of happiness was leading to my personal destruction.

Satisfying My Greatest Desires

God revealed to me that my major problem was that I was believing the lie which taught me that the journey to sexual happiness would be achieved through the route of self-gratification. I was viewing sex, relationships, even marriage as a way for someone to complete me, to satisfy me, to make me happy, and to make me whole. Though sex in marriage is a great gift from God to be experienced as a gift to a husband and wife to serve one another, I had only seen it as a means of experiencing my own selfish gain.

Whether it was seeking the fleeting pleasure of sexual sin, or the fleeting completeness in marriage idolatry, I would never be satisfied unless I was first satisfied in God himself. As the psalmists celebrates in Psalm 73:25, “Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.” All of my greatest desires could only be satisfied in God himself, not people, and not sexual pleasure.

The Key to Happiness

Only by being fully satisfied in Jesus would I ever be able to experience life-giving relationships with the opposite sex. Only by experiencing the unconditional love of Jesus would I ever be able to love and serve my future wife. Only by trusting in God’s design for sex and marriage would I be able to experience a full and lasting sexual relationship. The reoccurring theme is that Jesus is always the key to true happiness, because eternal glory with him is the only experience that will truly satisfy my soul.

So what is the key to sexual happiness? It is learning that sex isn’t everything; God is. Marriage isn’t everything; God is. Though they are all good gifts in their rightful context, they fail in comparison to the eternal glory and awesome wonder of our God. True happiness always comes from trusting and enjoying God.

Dating is dead.

So says the media. Girls, stop expecting guys to make any formal attempt at winning your affections. Don’t sit around waiting for a boy to make you a priority, communicate his intentions, or even call you on the phone. Exclusivity and intentionality are ancient rituals, things of the past, and misplaced hopes.

I beg to differ. It’s not that this new line of thinking is necessarily untrue today, or that it’s not the current and corrupt trend of our culture. It’s wrong. One of our most precious pursuits, that of a lifelong partner for all of life, is tragically being relegated to tweets, texts, and snaps, to ambiguous flirtation and fooling around. It’s wrong.

Dating That Preserves Marriage

There is a God. And this God created and rules his world, including men, women, the biological compulsions that bind them together, and the institution that declares their union and keeps it sacred and safe. Therefore, only he can prescribe the purpose, parameters, and means of our marriages.

If fullness of life could be found in sexual stimulation, or if it was just a matter of making babies, the “forget formality and just have sex” approach might temporarily satisfy cravings and cause enough conception. But God had much more in mind with romance than orgasms or even procreation, and so should we. So must we.

When people in the world are expecting less and less of each other in dating, God isn’t. So, as singles we have to work harder in our not-yet-married relationships to preserve what marriage ought to picture and provide.

Mom, Where Do Weddings Come From?

Nothing in my life and faith has been more confusing and spiritually hazardous than my pursuit of marriage. From far too young, I longed for the affection, safety, and intimacy I anticipated with a wife.

Sadly, my immature and unhealthy desires predictably did much more harm than good. I started dating too early. I stayed in relationships too long. I experimented too much with our hearts and allowed things to go too far. I said, “I love you” too soon. And now my singleness is a regular reminder that I messed up, missed opportunities, or did it wrong.

Maybe dating has been hard for you too, for these reasons or others. Maybe Mr. (or Mrs.) Right has started to look like Mr. (or Mrs.) Myth. Maybe you’ve wanted the relationship or liked the guy or girl, and you’ve never had the chance. Maybe all the suggestions and advice you’ve collected have become a confusing mess of good-intentioned contradictions and ambiguity. It’s enough to leave you like an eight-year-old, asking, “Mom, where do weddings come from?”

Expecting More from Marriage

The vision of marriage we see in God’s word — the beautiful, radical display of God’s infinite, persevering love for sinners — makes it worth it to date, and date well. The world’s approach can provide fun and sex and children and eventually even some level of commitment, but it cannot lead to the life-giving Jesus after whom our marriages are to take their cues.

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Friends who enjoy sex with “no strings attached” will find pleasure, but not the peaks waiting on the other side of mutual promises. The happiness of marriage is not only or even mainly physical. With the sex, there ought to be a deep sense of safety, a sense of being loved and accepted for who you are, a desire to please without the need to impress. When God engineered the sexual bond between a man and a woman, he made something much more satisfying than the act itself.

Those who recklessly give themselves to a love life of dating without really dating, of romantic rendezvouses without Christ and commitment, are settling. They’re settling for less than God intended and less than he made possible by sending his Son to rescue and repurpose our lives, including our love lives, for something more. More happiness. More security. More purpose.

And the more is found in a mutual faith in, and following of, Jesus. With this “more,” we can say to the watching world, Don’t settle for artificial and thin loyalty, affection, security, and sexual experimentation when God intends and promises so much more through a Christian union. And a Christian union can only be found through Christian dating.

If Christian dating — the intentional, selfless, and prayerful process of pursuing marriage — sounds like slavery, we don’t get it. If low-commitment sexual promiscuity sounds like freedom, we don’t get it. Jesus may ask more of us, but he does so to secure and increase our greatest and longest-lasting (sexual) happiness.

How Then Shall We Date?

For those whose roads are marked more by mistakes than selflessness, patience, and sound judgment, take hope in the God who truly and mysteriously blesses your broken road and redeems you from it, and who can begin in you a new, pure, wise, godly pursuit of marriage today.

Here are (some) principles for your not-yet marriages. It’s not nearly a comprehensive or exhaustive list. They’re simply lessons I’ve learned and hope can be a blessing for you, your boyfriend or girlfriend, and your future spouse.

1. It really is as simple as they say.

In a day when people are marrying later and later, and more and more are resorting to online matchmaking, we probably need to be reminded that marriage really is less about compatibility than commitment. After all, there has never been a less compatible relationship than a holy God and his sinful bride, and that’s the mold we’re aiming for in our marriages.

There is a reason the Bible doesn’t have a book devoted to how to choose a spouse. It was not an oversight on the part of the God of all history, as if he couldn’t see into the twenty-first century. The qualifications are wonderfully clear and simple: (1) they must believe your God (2 Corinthians 6:14) and (2) they must be of the opposite sex (Genesis 2:23–24; Matthew 19:4–6; Ephesians 5:22–32).

Now undeniably there will be more involved in your discernment while dating. Apart from questions of attraction and chemistry, which are not insignificant, the Bible articulates some roles for wives and husbands. A husband ought to protect and provide for his wife (Ephesians 5:25–29). A wife ought to help and submit to her man (Genesis 2:18; Ephesians 5:22–24). Fathers ought to lead their families in God’s word (Ephesians 6:4). Parents must love and raise their children in the faith (Deuteronomy 6:7). So, admittedly we are looking for more than an attractive person who “loves Jesus.”

That said, many of us need to be reminded that God’s perfect person for me isn’t all that perfect. Every person who marries is a sinner, so the search for a spouse isn’t a pursuit of perfection, but a mutually flawed pursuit of Jesus. It is a faith-filled attempt to become like him and make him known together. Regardless of the believer you marry, you will likely find out soon that you do not feel as “compatible” as you once did, but hopefully you will marvel more at God’s love for you in Jesus and the amazing privilege it is to live out that love together, especially in light of your differences.

2. Know what makes a marriage worth having.

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In our worst moments, our objectives are small and misguided. We just don’t want to be alone on a Friday night anymore. We just want to post almost-candid, artistically framed pictures with someone on a bridge somewhere. We want a guilt-free way to enjoy sex. We just want a guy or girl to tell us we’re attractive and funny and smart and good at our job.

If marriage only offered us these things, though, it really wouldn’t be worth it. Many will try to deny that, but the divorce statistics are enough to establish that marriage asks more of you than most could have ever imagined on their wedding day. Most of my married friends would say that what seems fun and pretty and unbreakable at the altar did not feel as clean or easy even days into their lives together. It’s still intensely good and beautiful, but it’s costly — too costly for small aims.

Marriage is worth having because you get God in your lifelong commitment to one another. Marriage is about knowing God, worshiping God, depending on God, displaying God, being made like God. God made man and woman in his image and joined them together, giving them unique responsibilities to care for one another in their broken, but beautiful union.

What makes marriage worth having is that you, your spouse, and those around you see more of God and his love for us in Jesus. If you’re not experiencing that with your boyfriend, break up with him. If that’s not our priority, we need to get a new game plan and probably a new scorecard for our next significant other.

3. Look for clarity more than intimacy.

The greatest danger of dating is giving parts of our hearts and lives to someone to whom we’re not married. It is a significant risk, and many, many men and women have deep and lasting wounds from relationships because a couple enjoyed emotional or physical closeness without a lasting, durable commitment. Cheap intimacy feels real for the moment, but you get what you pay for.

While the great prize in marriage is Christ-centered intimacy, the great prize in dating is Christ-centered clarity. Intimacy is safest in the context of marriage, and marriage is safest in the context of clarity. The purpose of our dating is determining whether the two of us should get married, so we should focus our effort there.

In our pursuit of clarity, we will undoubtedly develop intimacy, but we ought not do so too quickly or too naively. Let’s be intentional and outspoken to one another as Christians. Intimacy before marriage is dangerous, while clarity is unbelievably precious.

4. Find a fiancé on the frontlines.

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This is a throwback to a previous post. The idea is to look for love in the right places. Focus on the harvest, and you’re bound to find a helper. Instead of making it your mission to get married, make your mission God’s global cause and the advance of the gospel where you are, and look for someone pursuing the same. If you’re hoping to marry someone who passionately loves Jesus and makes him known, it’s probably best to put yourself in a community of people committed to that.

This does not mean that we should serve because we might find love. God is not ultimately honored with that kind of self-serving service. No, it simply means that if we’re looking for a particular kind of person, there are good, safe, identifiable places where those kinds of people live and serve and worship together. Get involved in a community like that, serve each other, and look for God to open doors for dating.

5. Don’t let your mind marry him before the rest of you can.

While this may seem like it’s much more common among women, I’ve been single long enough around enough single guys to know it’s not exclusively a female problem. The trajectory of all truly Christian romance ought to be marriage, so it should not surprise us that our dreams and expectations, our hearts, race out ahead of everything else.

It simply isn’t that hard to imagine what your children would look like or where you would vacation together or how family holidays would work or what kind of house you might buy. And just like sex, all these things could be really good and safe and beautiful, but in the context of your covenant. Satan wants to subtly help you build marriage and family idols that are too fragile for your not-yet-married relationship.

“He told me he loved me.” “She said she would never leave.” They’re the seemingly priceless sentences that don’t always cash. They’re often said with good intentions, but without the ring — and without a ring, the results can be devastating. Guard your heart and imagination from running out ahead of your current commitment.

6. Boundaries make for the best of friends.

The most oft-asked dating question among Christians might be “How far is too far before marriage?” The fact that we keep asking that question suggests we all agree we need to draw some lines and that the lines seem pretty blurry to most. If you’re pursuing marriage and it’s going well, you’re going to experience temptation — a lot of temptation.

Sexual sin may be the devil’s weapon of choice in corrupting Christian relationships. If you don’t acknowledge your enemy and engage him, you’ll find yourselves wondering how you lost so easily. Some of our best friends in the battle will be the boundaries we set to keep us pure.

While spontaneous plunges into intimacy look great in chick flicks and feel great in the moment, they breed shame, regret, and distrust. Let’s try talking about touching before touching. Trade some titillation for trust, surprise for clarity and confidence. Make decisions prayerfully and intentionally before diving in.

Boundaries are necessary because on the road to marriage and its consummation, the appetite for intimacy only grows as you feed it. You are biologically built that way. Touching leads to more touching. Being alone together in certain situations will welcome fierce temptation. Even praying together or talking for hours upon hours on the phone can create unhealthy overdoses of intimacy with not-yet spouses.

If we’re honest, we much more often like to err by wading into love too far rather than waiting too long to take the next step. You will be hard-pressed, though, to find a couple regretting the boundaries they made in dating, while you will very easily find those that wish they would have made more. As followers of Christ, we really ought to be the most careful and vigilant.

Boundaries protect, and boundaries provide the trenches of trust-building. As we establish some mutual boundaries, small and large, and commit to keeping them together, we develop depths and patterns of trust that will serve our intimacy, covenant-keeping, and decision-making should God lead us to marry each other.

7. Consistently include your community.

Dating is a matter of doing your best to discern a person’s ability to fulfill God’s vision and purpose for marriage with you. While you might be the one with the final say, you might not be the best person to assess at every point. Just as in every other area of your Christian life, you need the body of Christ as you think about whom to date, how to date, and when to wed.

While it’s rarely quick or convenient, gaining the perspective of people who know you, love you, and have great hope for your future will always pay dividends. It may lead to hard conversations or deep disagreement, but it will force you to deal with things you did not or could not have seen on your own. You’ll find safety with an abundance of counselors (Proverbs 11:14).

Invite other people to look into your relationship. Spend time together with other people, couples and singles, who are willing to point out the good, the bad, and the ugly.

8. Let all your dating be missionary dating.

No, I am not encouraging you to date not-yet believing men or women. When I say missionary dating, I mean dating that displays and promotes faith in Jesus and his good news, a dating that is in step with the gospel before the watching world. I want us to win disciples by dating radically — by confronting the world’s paradigms and pleasure-seeking with sacrifice, selflessness, and intentionality.

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Men and women in the world want many of the same things you want: affection, commitment, conversation, stability, sex, and so on. Eventually, they will see that the ground under your lives and relationship is firmer than the flimsy flings they know. They’ll see something deeper, stronger, and more meaningful between you and your significant other.

Do the people in each of your lives know and love Jesus more because you’re together? Do they see God’s grace and truth working in you and your relationship as you walk through life together? Are the two of you thinking proactively about how to bless your friends and family, and point them to Christ? More and more, as the world is watering down dating, your relationship can be a provocative picture of your fidelity to Christ and a call to follow him.

Pursuing Marriage the Right Way

Is this dating perfectly safe? No. Will it keep you from being hurt or disappointed? No. Will it guarantee you never go through another breakup? No. But by God’s grace, it may guard us from deeper heartache and more devastating failure. My prayer is that these principles would prepare you to love your spouse in a way that more beautifully and dramatically displays the truth and power of the gospel.

If you are like me, you may have blown it on multiple fronts already. Maybe you’re blowing it right now in a relationship. Be willing to make the hard decisions, large and small, to pursue marriage the right way today. Whether you’re ultimately married to one another or not (or married at all, for that matter), you will thank each other later.

What Young Black Women Need from Their Black Brothers—and the Church
In a recent episode of ABC’s dating show, The Bachelorette, Rachel Lindsay, the first black female to participate, broke down in tears. “The pressures that I feel about being a black woman and what that is… I don’t want to talk about it,” she said. The show exposes the fraught dynamics of race, dating, and marriage for black women in America. “Even before the female-led spinoff of The Bachelor … in my mind ‘bachelorettes’ were white women who were brides-to-be or bridesmaids in their best friends’ weddings, throwing parties to celebrate the end of their spinsterhood,” writes Robin Boylorn for Slate. By contrast, “black women were just single and waiting.”

According to Akilah Butler, author of The Love Ethic, in the 1900s, most black adults were married. However, many contemporary black women—especially those who come of age in the inner city—are unmarried and often lack modeling for what a healthy African American marriage looks like. In my region of upstate New York, for example, it’s a rare sight to see a black male under 40 with a black female. (By contrast, my husband’s and my generation, the baby boomers, did tend to date and marry within our race.)

While intermarriage is becoming more common, black women in America still face significant challenges in their relationships with black men, and the problem is doubly difficult for women in the church. According to David Morrow in Why Men Hate Going to Church, “a staggering 92 percent of African-American churches in America reported a gender gap.” According to Morrow’s sources, “75 to 90 percent of the adults in the typical African-American congregation are women.”

That means black Christian women face a low probability of marrying black Christian men. Although discipling African American men is part of the solution, I’m concerned more with discipling my black sisters and, in the midst of an ongoing crisis, drawing them into Christian community. As Jasmine Holmes writes about being black and single, “I still find myself looking back and wishing that my white friends knew—or at least admitted—some of the unique struggles that I had to face and that I still watch so many of my [black] sisters in Christ face every day.”

The church has both a crisis and an opportunity on its hands. With that in mind, how can we as local church communities help to heal the broken identities of our black sisters, especially in the realm of relationships?

Flawed self images
At a time when families as a whole, and black families in particular, are seriously unraveling, young black women are facing a maelstrom of conflicting messages about their bodies, identities, and especially their relationships. On the one hand, the last decade has seen a resurgence of young black women taking pride in their natural attributes, from the natural-hair movement to the make-up free look of The Voice judge Alicia Keys. And yet the average black girl often struggles with self-esteem issues. Research on online dating indicates that black females get much less interest than women of other races. They also have to contend with stereotypes of the angry, loud, or “ratchet” black female.

Commenting on an article about a black male celebrity with a white partner, social worker Dawnlena Deans-Malone observed, “What I dislike (passionately) is this subliminal message being sent to black girls by men in the entertainment business (actors, athletes, musicians) that black girls are not good enough to marry.”

I recently interviewed four young, African American women, all pastor’s kids between the ages of 15 and 19: Deja and Destiny Perkins and Moriah Bryd and her stepsister Naylah Williams. All four described their relationships with their white peers as “civil” but also told me they feel an uneasy sense of not quite fitting into their predominantly white schools. Naylah, 16, reported that if she is sandwiched between white friends, someone will inevitably comment on “the swirl.” She also reported that, because her skin was lighter, she was more accepted than classmates who were darker and more identifiably African American, as judged by their neighborhoods or accents.

Deja, now 18, remembers a formative incident from middle school, in which she expressed interest in a white boy in her class. Upon hearing the news in front of a group, he promptly declared that he would “never” date her. “I wanted to cry,” Deja says. “But part of me realized, that’s just the way it is.” She and her sister Destiny reported that they had never dated outside their race but did hang out with kids of different ethnicities.

Although their comments address larger interracial dynamics, they also gesture toward the problem at hand: Relationships for young black women are fraught with challenges. Furthermore, lack of interracial progress (as noted above) impacts intraracial relationships—how black men relate with black women. And these combined challenges affect how black women see themselves.

Fixing flawed self images
Although pop culture is a powerful space for modeling what it means to be a black woman, there is no substitute for family and community. For many black women (including these girls), our mothers, aunts, godmothers and “other mothers” are fortresses for us, the confidantes to whom we turn to for unconditional love, support, and leadership.

Karen Dace, vice chancellor for diversity, equity, and inclusion at Indiana University–Purdue University in Indianapolis, grew up in Chicago in the African Methodist Episcopal (AME) church. As a single woman, she realized early on the importance of female role models when she overheard a girlfriend’s daughter telling her mother that she wanted to be like “Miss Karen” when she grew up, because “Miss Karen” owned a home, had a nice car, a fur coat, “and didn’t no man give it to her.” “Older women are supposed to teach the younger women,” Dace says. In advising these mentors, Dace says “be honest about the mistakes you’ve made. And don’t let [young women] think [their] value is tied up with who they are in a relationship with.”

The church, of course, is the most powerful space for this kind of mentoring, modeling, and discipleship. The four young women I interviewed are all pastor’s kids who grew up in church and were indelibly impacted by the women around them—including older teens who navigated the same shoals.

What can we as Christian women do to help younger women like them blossom into their God-given potential?

When I was a young Christian, I had several older women take me under their wings. As a single hoping for marriage, I spent countless dinners, Bible studies and phone conversations with older Christian women who counseled me on patience, encouraged me in my waiting, and shared testimonies of God’s faithfulness to them and their families. Now as a married, middle-aged woman, I try to be intentional about reaching out to younger Christians, especially women still finding their way in relationships with men.

Although Scripture exhorts older women like me to disciple the younger (Titus 2), black fathers, brothers, uncles, grandfathers, cousins, boyfriends, and husbands are also called to play a pivotal role in encouraging and affirming single black women. When black men treat “younger women as sisters, with absolute purity” (1 Tim. 5:1-2) and also respect them, cherish them, and celebrate their unique attributes, it goes a long way toward building up their esteem and laying the groundwork for what a godly marriage looks like.

“The black church has a history of holistically discipling people,” says Natasha Sistrunk Robinson, and that discipleship is key to the future of black women. Together, black fathers, black mothers, “other mothers,” and “other fathers” are the pillars of the African American Christian community best suited to instill resilience against flawed self images. Along with the greater multi-racial church, we have the power to offer young black women what they need to root their identity in the knowledge of their belovedness in God’s sight, rather than in the fleeting appraisals of the current society and culture.

As Karen Dace notes, black girls should not only know “who they are, but whose they are.”

Early lessons
Psychologist John Bowlby released his groundbreaking studies on human attachment beginning in the late 1950s. He believed that a child’s emotional and physical well-being depended upon a finely attuned mother-child relationship and that early breaches in this relationship might impede one’s ability to bond with others—even in adulthood. At that time, Bowlby’s detractors criticized his theories as one-dimensional and deterministic. Decades later, many psychologists and therapists now believe that the principles of attachment theory not only help parents meet their children’s emotional needs, but they can also help adult couples connect with each other more consistently and love more fully.

Perhaps because of his own experiences of parental neglect, Bowlby understood that all children have the fundamental need to be in secure, bonded relationships. Bowlby, along with his colleague Mary Ainsworth, believed that children discover who they are and learn how to connect through the mother-child relationship. They posited that if mothers (or other caregivers) do not consistently, lovingly provide for a child’s physical and emotional needs, the child may grow up to be a relationally impaired adult who harbors doubts about whether he or she is truly lovable.

In Becoming Attached, psychologist Robert Karen explains, “[Early in life], one forms images of the self and others and of how they fit together, which have a powerful hold on the personality and serve as a blueprint for future relationships.” If our childhood blueprint tells us we are intrinsically flawed, that needing others is an indication of character weakness, or that others cannot be trusted to provide for our needs, we will likely have to create a new blueprint in order to experience healthy relationships as adults.

Created to connect
Studies in the field of human development bear out what Scripture and our own experience make clear: God intends for us to attach. Homo sapiens are the most intelligent species on earth and yet, in comparison to other animals, we are the most dependent upon parental care for the longest period of time. In most industrialized cultures today, it would be considered unthinkable for a child to live alone prior to age 16 or 17. This lengthy period of dependence teaches us to rely on our parents or caregivers. By expressing our needs (via tears and protest early on and through words after age two) and then having our needs met by those who love us, we learn that needs are good, that expressing those needs results in relational connectedness, and that others can be trusted to provide for us.

When parents lovingly provide for their children’s needs, they model God’s love and lay the foundation for their child’s future relationships—including marriage and his or her relationship with God. Psychologist Sue Johnson, a pioneer in applying Bowlby’s attachment theory to couples’ therapy, posits, “The relationship between God and people of faith can be understood as an attachment bond, in which God is a safe haven, a secure base, and the ultimate source of comfort and care.”

God, in his very essence, models for us what an attuned, securely attached relationship looks like. As the Trinity, the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit exist and interact in perichoresis—a community of being. We glimpse this divine connection when Jesus tells the Pharisees, “Very truly I tell you, the Son can do nothing by himself; he can do only what he sees his Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son also does” (John 5:19). Jesus’ oneness with and “attachment” to the Father empowered him to love lavishly and refuse the Enemy’s temptations (Matt. 4:1–11). In our own relationships with God, as we grow in secure attachment and intimacy, we are strengthened to resist lies or accusations and we are enabled to fulfill our calling to love God and one another (Deut. 6:5; 1 John 4:7–21).

Varying attachment styles
According to attachment theorists, most adults exhibit one of four attachment styles: secure, avoidant, anxious, or disorganized. Securely attached adults believe that they are lovable, are aware of their limitations, and are comfortable asking for help. For them, conflict does not generate insecurity. When a couple is securely attached, they are able to weather significant challenges, have productive conflicts, and offer each other empathy.

In contrast, if a child grew up with a parent who was emotionally disconnected, passive, anxious, fearful, or unavailable (perhaps due to chronic sickness or mental health issues), or if children were consistently shamed when they expressed need, they may become insecurely attached. Adults with anxious attachment styles tend to tune in to minor fluctuations in their partner’s moods and expect rejection or abandonment (particularly during conflict). Jealousy often becomes an issue. When fears or insecurities surface, anxiously attached adults may try to control or manipulate their partner in the hope of gaining reassurance.

According to social psychologist Rachel Heller and neuroscientist Amir Levine in their book Attached, avoidant adults tend to “prefer autonomy to intimate relationships.” They see commitment as constricting and may be perceived as aloof. Additionally, they have a highly sensitive radar for manipulation that, when triggered, compels them to disengage in order to maintain some level of control and independence.

Finally, disorganized attachment occurs when parents are unable to discern their children’s needs or if the child experiences trauma, abuse, or neglect. Adults who grow up in such environments may lack discernment about who is and who isn’t trustworthy and may tend to focus on the others’ needs while detaching from their own.

A new blueprint for our marriage
When couples routinely experience unproductive conflict or consistently feel disconnected, these sorts of attachment issues may be at play. This was certainly the case for my fiancé and me during the failed round one of our relationship. Thankfully there was, eventually, a round two and today we are happily married.

After our breakup, it took two years of counseling, prayer, and brutally honest conversations before we finally understood how our mismatched attachment styles contributed to our relationship’s initial demise. Due to a combination of parenting deficits and my highly sensitive personality, I grew up believing that if I expressed my needs or made too many mistakes, I would be shamed and perhaps abandoned. My husband’s own attachment blueprint caused him to lean toward narcissism, which is not uncommon for avoidantly attached men.

As we became engaged again and eventually married, we had to jettison the shame and self-hatred we carried and instead allow God to create a new relational blueprint for both of us. In order to refute the lie that having needs disqualified me from receiving love, I prayed Scripture that affirmed God’s love for me (such as Rom. 8:38–39). Gradually, I learned how to trust God and my husband, which diminished both my anxiety and my tendency to manipulate him in order to get my needs met. This new vulnerability gave my husband the opportunity to respond authentically to my needs. We were growing.

Conflict, however, continued to vex us, in part because we flipped roles. I withdrew, physically and emotionally, so terrified of being abandoned that it sometimes took hours before I could articulate my feelings. He pursued, demanding that we work things through immediately. Such maddening push-and-pull is common for couples who lack secure (or who have opposite) attachment styles.

Obviously, attachment styles are not the only issue that can cause crazy-making marital conflict. Cultural and personality differences, as well as other factors, can also come into play. Over our years together, my husband and I have learned that in marriage, even if couples have a toolbox full of conflict management skills, they will probably continue to miss each other unless they become aware of their fundamental differences, tune into each other’s attachment needs, and refuse to engage in unhelpful patterns such as defensiveness, lashing out, or withdrawing. Couples may also need to stop fixating on the proverbial tip of the iceberg—what’s visible but largely inconsequential—and instead hone in on what really matters. (For example, facing one’s insecurity about being abandoned or one’s fear of being overtaken.)

Becoming securely attached
Though many of us may have received a faulty attachment blueprint and may struggle to consistently connect with our spouse, we are not doomed to relational failure. Research supports the idea that secure attachment can be learned and that vulnerably loving each other will help us transition from an insecure to secure attachment style. As we grow in experiencing and trusting God’s love for us, he will heal our relational deficits.

Moving toward a more secure attachment style takes time and intentionality. The first step is to recognize when we feel disconnected and then work backward to discern what provoked that feeling. Was it conflict? A harshly spoken word? Our spouse’s perceived unavailability? In those moments, if we de-escalate our attachment-related reactions and share our needs non-defensively, we can stop reacting and begin connecting.

For example, I recently felt a growing anxiety about an ongoing health issue. In the past, I would have withdrawn or blamed my husband for not intuiting my needs. This time, I communicated my insecurity about how he might react if my health continued to decline. He acknowledged my concerns, expressed his sorrow about the seemingly intractable nature of my illness, and then affirmed that he’s not going anywhere. Circumstantially, nothing changed, but the emotional connection that we made mitigated my fears.

In Hold Me Tight, Johnson observes:

When we learn to foster safe, loving interactions with our partners and can integrate new experiences into models that affirm our connections with others, we step into a new world. Old hurts and negative perceptions from past relationships can then be put away and not allowed to orchestrate our way of responding to our lovers.

As we accept the reality that we are wired for intimate connection, come to understand our own attachment styles, and then work to meet our spouse’s attachment needs, we can fulfill God’s calling to love each other—and can transform our marriages in the process.

Aaron Bell of Relevant Magazine disagrees with this statement. In his latest feature, the pastor and father explained why marriage isn’t about finding your “best friend.” He writes:

“The notion of being married to your best friend is a very romantic one. It places your spouse at the very top of your friend list. They are your most important friend in your life, they are your everything. That is a wonderful sentiment, but is it selling the relationship between my wife and I short?”

“She is not my best friend, she is my wife. That is more. I think we have taken this idea of what our marriages are and what they are meant to be and have tried to apply the same standards of our other relationships to them.”

Bell makes a compelling argument. Relationships are designed to play different roles and be filled by different people. A mother may love her daughter, but she can’t be both her mother and her best friend. There may come a day when she’ll need to make a difficult choice regarding her daughter’s future, and that decision can’t be made by a “best friend”. In the same way, a spouse will be required to face challenges which go beyond the bounds of friendship.

Being a spouse requires love, patience, forgiveness, but most importantly empathy. In the words of Dr. David B. Hawkins,

“Empathy is a skill that often must be cultivated. Agree together that you will develop and maintain empathy in your marriage. Be clear with one another what empathy means, what it looks like and how you both want it expressed…”

“Empathy has a better chance of occurring in an environment of trust and deep respect. It is not likely to occur where there is criticism, ridicule and constant correction. It will not occur where one or both mates experience fear. Work together to develop a trusting environment where you practice empathy.”

All in all, the only thing I really know about marriage is it’s a learning experience. Husbands and wives must grow together if they want to succeed, and sometimes this means establishing the context of their relationship. A spouse is so much more than a friend, they are a partners in a holy union, held together by a sacred vow to honor, love, and cherish one another. Bell says everything when he concludes,

“To sum it all up, I believe if my wife and I are working towards being and staying best friends, we are not aiming high enough. She is my wife, we are in a relationship that demands a level of love, intimacy and vulnerability that goes beyond friendship and can only be found in a God-blessed bond.”